hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my being single is dangerous.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
