my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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