What a fucking waste of an outfit
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
