he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
