Nicole vs. Life
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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