Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
