All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
