They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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