If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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