you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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