Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
