bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
