i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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