The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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