I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
