Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I need to calm my uterus...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
