so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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