i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
