One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Randomize
