I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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