so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
