it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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