My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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