I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Two words: nipple clamps
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