Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
