Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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