I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
