So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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