Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
