Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
