The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
