clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
