Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
