I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
