Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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