these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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