im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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