another moral hangover. fuck.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
