You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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