Even the bartender felt bad for me
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She needs sedatives and a leash
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
