You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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