You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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