You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
