I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
