You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
