peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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