Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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