Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
