My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
