Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
