yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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