I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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