I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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