He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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