At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
