I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
last night I used snow as a chaser
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