I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
