i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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