The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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