you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
